By Adam D. Blum, Founder and Director, Gay Therapy Center
It’s not exactly a secret that the LGBTQ+ community can go hand-in-hand with drinking and partying. But at what point does having fun become having a problem?
It’s not as clear-cut as you might think. While our community has far higher rates of substance abuse than the general population, it can feel shame-inducing to examine our relationship with substances. We might be hesitant to seek help if we aren’t experiencing full-blown addiction.
We spoke to two Gay Therapy Center therapists with expertise in substance abuse to learn why our community struggles with drugs and alcohol, how substance abuse exists on a spectrum, and why therapy is an ideal way to explore our relationship with substances. Let’s proceed — and leave any shame at the door.
Why the LGBTQ+ Community Struggles with Substance Abuse
There are a vast number of reasons why the LGBTQ+ community has higher rates of substance abuse than the general population. For one: “The truth is, queer people still experience systemic oppression,” explains J.L. Zbacnik, a Gay Therapy Center recovery-focused therapist in San Diego.
He says these factors can also contribute:
- Lack of acceptance from families, especially from strict religious backgrounds
- Bars and clubs remain primary social hubs for the queer community, where drug and alcohol use is normalized
- Chemsex is common in the gay male community
- Some people, particularly gay men, may experience loneliness if they can’t find a partner who wants to commit
Scott Seomin, a Gay Therapy Center therapist in Los Angeles, says substance use is also a coping mechanism for everyday stressors and is often used by the LGBTQ+ community to numb out or avoid difficult emotions, thoughts, and memories. “Meth use in particular correlates strongly with childhood bullying, family rejections, religious trauma, sexual shame, and feelings of inadequacy,” he says. On top of that, he says, drugs can be seductive when they mask feelings of vulnerability and low self-esteem and deliver an artificial sense of confidence, disinhibition, and belonging.
Seomin adds that substance abuse in the LGBTQ+ community isn’t just for the young; he’s had clients who developed substance abuse problems later in life. Two in particular found themselves struggling with crystal meth in their fifties and sixties, resulting in lost jobs, marriages, and financial stability. Seomin explains that this generation came up during the AIDS crisis and experienced toxic shame, so they never got to experience adolescence during their adolescent years. These gay men in mid-life are making up for lost time but going overboard.
Substance Abuse as a Spectrum
Many of us were raised to view substance abuse as black or white: you have a problem or you don’t. You’re an addict or you’re not. But these are misconceptions that prevent people with less severe concerns from reaching out for help, Zbacnik says.
In fact, “substance abuse exists along a spectrum, from use to abuse to dependence, and everyone falls somewhere along the spectrum,” he explains. Zbacnik says it’s not true that if you have any problem related to substances, it means you’re an alcoholic or addicted person and have to go to rehab.
“In my experience, that’s the furthest end of that continuum of use and is the final failsafe for the person to get help,” Zbacnik explains. “The vast majority of people are somewhere closer to the first and second point on the spectrum.”
What does that mean for you? You can go to therapy no matter where you are in your journey with substance abuse or recovery. And going to therapy to explore this doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have to quit using. We should get away from black and white thinking, Zbacnik suggests, and look for a therapist who understands this spectrum and can give you resources and support wherever you are along it.
Behaviors to Look Out For
Unsure if you’ve developed a problem with substances? “One of the hallmarks of substance abuse,” Zbacnik says, “is do you continue to engage in this behavior despite experiencing negative consequences?” For example, he explains, are you missing important events or opportunities as a result of substances? Are you consistently running late to work, or is a friend telling you that you said hurtful things to them?
Seomin said another common sign is pulling a disappearing act. If you tend to slip away from gatherings to use and friends and loved ones are always asking where you ran off to, it could be a sign of trouble.
He also recommends noticing feelings of invincibility or excuses. Perhaps saying things like “I can quit anytime” or “This won’t take me down and cause me to lose my job, spouse, kids, life, etc.; that happens to other people.” If you say those things but find yourself needing more drugs, mixing more substances, or going from using during weekends into using during the week, it may also be time to look closer, Seomin notes.
How LGBTQ+ Therapy Helps Address Substance Abuse
If you think it’s time to face your concerns with substances head-on, Zbacnik recommends skipping the conversation with friends or family about it. You may not want to go to a 12-step meeting yet. Instead, he says, “the most important thing is to get an accurate assessment of where you are on that spectrum of use, abuse, and dependence.”
He recommends finding an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist with experience working with substance abuse who can accurately assess where you are and why — and work with you on navigating the next steps in a safe, non-judgmental space.
While getting sober through Alcoholics Anonymous saved Zbacnik’s life, he knows abstinence isn’t for everyone and there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. Many of his clients know they have some kind of problem with substances, but most don’t want the problem to be so bad they have to stop. While abstinence could be the right choice, Zbacnik says some of his clients prefer harm reduction and finding ways to keep the substance in their lives but in a healthier way.
A therapist can also help you understand and address the underlying issues that drive you to over-consume. Zbacnik recalls a former client, a young gay man, who was very social and craved community in queer spaces, which led him to socialize in bars and drink. The client never felt fully safe in those social environments or spaces, and his drinking progressed to unhealthy levels. Zbacnik encouraged him to try an abstinence-based support group for the queer community.
“The support and community he was seeking in the bar and social environment? It was actually in that support group,” Zbacnik recalls. “He was very grateful to find a group of queer people who were recovering and trying to live a healthy life, but in a community based on support and encouragement. He felt like he finally found his tribe and a sense of safety in those spaces.”
If you’re wondering whether you need to make changes or get help with your substance use, Seomin recommends finding a therapist now. “Don’t wait until you’re in crisis mode, when it may be harder to find a therapist,” he recommends. Seomin adds that a queer therapist, or even a queer life coach, can help you learn how to set better boundaries, focus on your self-worth, cope with loneliness, and better manage stress.
Know that exploring substance abuse concerns is a process, not a one-time event, Seomin says. But it’s worth it. “You don’t discover and solve a problem in two therapy sessions; it’s peeling back micro-layers,” Seomin concludes. “My clients need to know that there are gay men living drug-free lives that are joyful. Less emotional pain lessens the desire to escape with drugs.”
