LGBTQ+ people experience the same struggles as anyone else. A bad breakup, the loss of a loved one, battles with depression and anxiety, or struggles with addiction are universal. And any well-trained, compassionate therapist can help you navigate these types of challenges.
But if you’re in the queer community, working with an LGBT-friendly therapist usually makes counseling even more effective and helpful. Having a queer identity adds unique layers and nuances to all facets of your life, and as much as we love our cishet allies, there are certain experiences they just can’t relate to.
As a minority group, we LGBTQ+ folks often feel (or are made to feel) separate and different from those in the majority culture.
One thing that makes us unique, though, is we’re often minorities within our own family.
Depending on your upbringing, you might have felt shame for one of the most personal, intimate aspects of your life at a young age. The impacts can linger, and in therapy, many queer people are surprised to discover the long-term impacts. Research has found that having shared social traits with your therapist supports a stronger alliance as you work together, especially for those in marginalized communities.
That’s why at Gay Therapy Center, we take pride in offering therapy by and for the queer community. After spending over 20 years in this field, I’ve witnessed how much clients benefit from working with an LGBT therapist who’s part of the same broader community and shares the lived experiences of marginalization.
Here are seven of the most compelling reasons that working with an LGBT-friendly therapist is a good idea:
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It’s a judgment-free zone
A therapist’s office (or Zoom room) is the last place you should feel judged. Sadly, some of my clients find me after having painful experiences with judgmental or close-minded therapists. Even if this isn’t your reality, you’re not alone if the thought of working with a therapist you’ve never met before elicits fears of judgment.
With an LGBT-friendly therapist, whether you share the exact same identity or not, you’re confiding in someone with shared experiences. Someone who has also walked through life encountering shame and judgment simply for who they love or how they identify.
We LGBTQ+ therapists grew up in the same culture that devalued our community, and depending on a variety of factors — like where we lived, how we were raised, where our parents were socialized — you or your therapist might have experienced greater levels of trauma and hurt. Your therapist might have also lived through feeling unloved, disrespected, or even disowned.
As queer therapists, we don’t just understand what our clients have been through; we get it in our bones.
Most of us entered this field because we want to help you feel seen, celebrated, and affirmed for who you are, especially if that isn’t something you’ve experienced much elsewhere. Knowing it’s a judgment-free space can help you feel less self-conscious, break down walls, and let fears of judgment melt away.
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You build a stronger connection
Therapists are trained in different schools of thought and each have their favorite clinical methods. But when researchers study what’s most effective in therapy, the conclusion is always the same: it’s the alliance between the therapist and client.
In other words, it’s not the therapeutic technique that ultimately matters — it’s how connected, safe, and seen you feel with your therapist. Think about it: In queer communities, we have our own culture, language, coding, and shared experiences. A queer therapist who lives in that same world knows this and how to relate to you.
When you have shared touchstones like that, it’s easier to build that sense of safety, alliance, connection. That, in turn, makes your therapy experience much more impactful and successful.
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They can read between the lines
A therapist in the LGBTQ+ community can also better understand and relate to your struggles and more easily read behind the lines and see the subtext in your words. There’s no need to waste time educating them or explaining your life.
LGBT-friendly therapists can relate to clients more empathically as we draw from our own gut sense and experiences. For example, as a gay therapist, I might quickly recognize, “Oh, this feels like internalized homophobia,” before the client has explicitly said it or even identified it.
Based on our personal and professional experience, we can also more easily see the links between what a client says and what their lived experiences are of feeling shamed or like an outsider, often dating back to their childhood.
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Sex talk isn’t cringey
Sex is generally the hardest topic for people to discuss in therapy. Discussing sex might feel shaming for queer and straight people alike, though our community has endured a queer-shaming culture for thousands of years.
It can feel humiliating describing common sex practices in your community with a straight therapist, even if they’re a great ally. If someone shares your sexual orientation or is at least in the broader LGBTQ+ community, you won’t even have to explain.
An LGBT-friendly therapist will know the words for sexual acts and understand common concerns. This can make the experience of therapy easier and make talking about sex less anxiety-producing.
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It can ease loneliness
It’s not uncommon to feel alone, even if we’re surrounded by others. When some of us get stuck in the depths of loneliness, it seems as though we’re the only person who feels this way or that we must be different somehow.
Yes, you’re unique, but you’re not that special!
All kidding aside, there’s value in working with an LGBT-friendly therapist who’s a kindred spirit and has earned your respect. Whether your therapist has been in the exact same situation or something similar, they can share their own relatable experiences. As you build trust and learn from your counselor, you often begin to realize there’s nothing wrong with you. You might start to feel in a deep way that you’re not alone.
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You get a reprieve from outsider status
Being an LGBTQ person, you likely already spend most of your time in mainstream communities where you’re the minority. Therapy with a fellow community member can be one setting where you get to feel like you’re on the inside rather than the outside.
I’ve encountered LGBTQ+ people who want a straight therapist since they already live in a straight world, and they think it’ll help them learn to function better in non-LGBTQ+ spaces like work.
I get the logic, but why make therapy even harder on yourself? A good therapist will challenge you, but it’s vital to first feel very safe with them before you move onto tackling your most intimate challenges. So why push yourself to work with someone who might make you feel scared or judged if you already feel anxious, less safe, or judged with straight people?
It makes sense why we do this. In American culture, we’re often taught that to deal with our vulnerabilities and inner wounds, we must be tough, “get over it,” and push ourselves past our pain. However, most therapists find that the opposite is true.
So many in our community already struggle with shame, especially if we grew up in homes where we didn’t feel supported or respected. The fastest and most effective way to heal our pain is actually with big dollops of self-compassion, safety, and gentleness. Trying to push yourself to get over struggles and suck it up is not a helpful way to process pain and trauma.
On top of that, pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone in therapy can negate its benefits. When you see an LGBTQ+ therapist who also identifies as an outsider, just like you — even if in a slightly different outside group — they know what it’s like to not be included, to be seen as less than, to be humiliated for being different. Your therapy will be more effective since you can build a stronger therapeutic connection founded in trust, safety, and comfort.
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They understand your fears
These days especially, more and more clients are bringing current issues of the world and their impacts on them into therapy. When you’re working with a queer therapist, you know the clinician has also grappled with those issues and shares your legitimate fears and concerns.
If your therapist is someone who is in the same boat, they won’t dismiss or judge you, and they’ve likely also already done some personal work in their own life to better manage the stressors. We therapists take our clients on journeys of self-discovery and self-healing, but we can only take them as far as we’ve gone personally.
Knowing that your therapist is committed to personally managing the fears and anxieties of being queer in America benefits our clients, because we can empathize and share what has worked for us.
The bottom line on working with an LGBT-friendly therapist
Not everyone in the queer community has the ability to work with a queer therapist, and that’s okay. There are plenty of LGBT-friendly therapists who aren’t in the community but are fantastic allies with cultural competency.
That said, if you find yourself with the choice, working with an LGBTQ+ therapist can further enrich and enhance your experience. I understand some people view therapy as a challenge or way to get comfortable with straight people and the challenges of a heteronormative world. Just remember that for therapy to be successful — and worth your time and money — you must feel safe and supported in your identity, especially in vulnerable moments.
Get that part down, then go out there and change the world and fight. You shouldn’t have to fight in therapy.
