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Am I Non-Binary?

Am I Non-Binary?

The answer to the question “Am I non-binary?” may seem like a simple yes or no, but that creates a false binary. Ironic, eh?

The transgender community finally gained visibility and public representation over the last 15 years, but it’s taken longer for awareness and understanding to form around non-binary identities. We’ve all heard complaints from folks who can’t (or won’t) accept “they” as a singular pronoun in the English lexicon.

Despite those grumblings, just like anything else within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, non-binary identity is nothing new. In fact, it’s ancient. But as our society continues to expand its understanding of sex and gender, and as access to information and language increases, it’s led more people to feel comfortable exploring or claiming a non-binary or gender non-conforming existence.

If you’ve found yourself questioning your gender and wondering if you fit into the non-binary identity, you’ve come to the right place. I interviewed three Gay Therapy Center’s counselors to learn more about non-binary identities and how therapy can be an invaluable tool for self-exploration if you’re asking yourself “am I non-binary?

“Some days I’ll just wear like, little high tops and little short-shorts and a little croppy toppy. But then other days I’m like in a heel, and then other days I’m like in jeans and a sweatshirt…I just am either like gender-bendy or nonconform-y or nonbinary and some days I feel like a boy and some days I feel like a girl. I didn’t think I was allowed to be nonconforming or genderqueer or nonbinary — I was just always like ‘a gay man’ because that’s just the label I thought I had to be.” –Jonathan Van Ness 

First, what does non-binary mean?

Let’s start with a definition: The Trevor Project (a suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization for LGBTQ youth)  defines the term nonbinary as “an umbrella term to describe people who experience their gender identity and/or expression outside of the male/female/ man/woman binary.”

Nonbinary is a label that falls under the umbrella of trans identities. If you’re a visual learner, you can see an illustration of this concept here.

This larger umbrella of trans identities includes everything that deviates from cisgender (or feeling aligned with the gender you were assigned at birth). While all the identities within the umbrella (trans men, trans women, nonbinary, genderfluid, bi-gender, agender, gender non-conforming, etc.) are part of the community of trans identities, not everyone who falls under that umbrella will refer to themselves as trans. Some may prefer their specific identity, others may interchange them. It is a bit like the term queer–whether you are bisexual, a gay man, or a lesbian, you fall under the queer umbrella, but your specific identity may be the label you choose to use.

Other labels people might use within the nonbinary umbrella, they add, include genderfluid, genderqueer, polygender, bigender, demigender, and agender.

Keep in mind that language evolves constantly, and some non-binary people also identify as transgender.

Why is that? Years ago, most viewed the term transgender to mean people moving from one binary gender to another. Male to female, female to male. However, the term transgender really just means someone who doesn’t align with their sex assigned at birth.

Unless an extraordinarily progressive doctor delivered you, you were assigned male or female at birth. If you later identify as non-binary — neither male or female — you technically don’t align with your sex assigned at birth. For this reason, some non-binary people consider themselves both trans and non-binary. They might use labels like “trans non-binary” to indicate they are moving outside the binary rather than within it.

Not all non-binary people identify as trans; it’s a personal preference. Ultimately, it’s fully up to you how you choose to be identified and labeled.

What it means to be non-binary will be different for every non-binary person; some may feel it is akin to living outside of gender, while other non-binary folks feel that playing with the rules and boundaries of gender is an essential part of their non-binary experience.

While not every trans or non-binary person experiences gender dysphoria (a feeling that their body and gender don’t match with one another or the gender assigned at birth, which causes extreme distress and mental anguish) that can be a way some folks start to gain awareness that their gender needs exploring.

“[Gender] can be pretty much whatever you want it to be…I tend to believe that gender as we’ve set it up in current-day society doesn’t actually exist.” –Amanda Stenberg

What are some signs I might be nonbinary?

Adam Weitz, a Gay Therapy Center Therapist in New York, says there’s no checklist or official list of signs, but there can be common threads. He’s found clients on this journey typically start with sentiments like this:

  • Growing up, I never fit squarely in the dominant male or female binary box
  • I feel like a man and a woman
  • I have never felt like a man or a woman
  • I don’t even see gender on a continuum/gender is not a thing for me
  • I tried being the “ideal” male or female, but I look in the mirror and it’s just not me

“Growing up, I hated the idea that clothing was gendered. I identify as non-binary. I present as mostly masculine because it’s just how I feel, but I’ve never had this idea that clothing should be one thing or the other…I, as a person, am very fluid. I feel different hour by hour, day by day.” –Tommy Dorfman

Why does it matter if you’re non-binary?

Bailey Franklin, a Gay Therapy Center Therapist in Los Angeles, says exploration of gender identity can trigger internal and external pressure to come up with a clear definition for yourself. That said, there are limits to how much language can describe feelings, he notes.

“We try to impose some words that will help us get our heads around what this feeling actually is,” he says. “Some people find comfort in a phrase or label, and some people do not.”

Plus, it’s not just about the label, but all of the meaning wrapped up in it, Franklin adds. People exploring their gender identity are trying to figure out how to interact with the outside world and how this identity impacts how they communicate, experience, and perceive themselves.

Determining that you’re non-binary might also empower you to take steps to express your gender in a way that feels more authentic and comfortable than how you’ve expressed your gender through your appearance and behaviors before. For some, this could mean changing their name and/or pronouns, adjusting their physical appearance or behavior, or even pursuing medical intervention.

There’s no playbook, and it’s highly personal. “It is completely okay to not express it as well,” says Nunzio Signorella, a Gay Therapy Center counselor based in Georgia. “The emotional distress of manifesting that gender fluidity could be too anxiety-evoking depending on their circumstances.” For others, it may be unsafe. No matter whether you make any obvious changes or not, your identity and feelings are just as valid.

The simple act of finding the right words to describe your experience can be important. “Language allows us to have something to hold onto, something to work with, and something to relate to other people with, so we have some way of describing ourselves and others,” Weitz says. Finding clarity through language, he adds, can help someone feel no longer lost, or make meaning out of not having fit in for much of their life. It can also give you a means of researching or finding communities to plug into, offering support, connection, and belonging.

This exploration can be worth it even if you discover what you aren’t. “After being a part of a community, someone might say, I’m actually not relating to those words,” Weitz says. “That’s okay too; it still helps a person to at least orient themselves.”

How can therapy help me figure out if I’m non-binary?

Feelings of gender fluidity can be confusing at first, Signorella says, especially if you haven’t had an opportunity to learn about it before. If you lack role models or connections with people of shared experiences, you might also feel alienated and in emotional turmoil, he adds.

Fortunately, with the Internet and social media, it’s easier than ever to access information, find community, and begin to self-actualize, he says. Working with an LGBTQ+ therapist is one of the best ways to continue self-exploration of gender in a safe, judgment-free zone, Signorella adds.

He notes that therapists can offer insight, share the latest research, and have a dialogue to help someone come to terms with their experience. “If someone is gender nonconforming or on a spectrum, we can help them to self-actualize,” he says.

That’s not to say the process is straightforward.

Therapy is an agenda-free zone where you and your LGBTQ+ counselor “can create space for ambivalent, confusing, and sometimes conflicting feelings and thoughts,” Franklin says.

A therapist’s job is not to answer the question “am I non-binary?” for you, but to support you as you explore what comes up and figure out what does and doesn’t resonate.

“Someone may feel that even with the broadest possible of range of language, within masculine and feminine, something doesn’t fit right,” Franklin says. “Other people may feel like a really effeminate man or a really masculine woman, but they still feel kind of contained or held within the male/female paradigm.”

A therapist can also provide helpful context and offer different perspectives. For example, Franklin says when a client exploring gender and non-binary identity is struggling with shame, he likes to share some historical insight. He points to We’Wha, a celebrated indigenous leader from the 19th century who existed outside the binary.

The process of exploring gender identity, or even sexual orientation, “is really dependent on what their experiences have been and how they’ve been othered in their lives,” Signorella says.

Where someone comes from, where they live, who’s in their lives, and whether they’ve experienced trauma can all color someone’s journey.

Coming to terms with an identity or going through the self-realization and self-actualization process can be more challenging for those in harder situations. “But through telehealth, we’ve been able to engage with individuals throughout the country who aren’t in supportive places,” he adds.

Queer therapists are able to meet clients wherever they are.

Some people might walk in the door already asking questions about what their gender is, what it means for them, and how they feel within their identity. Or, Signorella points out, it may come up when working on other things in therapy.

He recalls a long-time client who came to the United States as a refugee after experiencing severe homophobia in a Middle Eastern country. Given all of the trauma and othering they experienced, Signorella says, it took a few years before they began feeling grounded and had the self-realization they were non-binary.

They experimented with wearing the gendered color of pink for the first time, Signorella recalls, taking baby steps as they worked on self-actualization and found their way to a more happy, fulfilling, authentic life.

If you feel ready for deeper self-exploration, nothing beats finding support in a community of people like you, says Adam Blum, MFT, founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center. “One of the most important steps any person can take to overcome shame is to make friends with people who affirm your identity, because they have lived it,” Blum adds. “I believe it is a necessary mental health step for any queer person.”

A skilled LGBTQ+ therapist is a powerful ally who is there to support you wherever the journey of self-discovery takes you.

As Weitz puts it, “My work as a therapist is not to shape anybody or have someone come in and check boxes. My job is to help a person to become more aware of their experience. To know themselves well enough to make really clear decisions on their own behalf and to make choices to be more and more them.”


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