By Adam D. Blum, MFT Founder and Director, Gay Therapy Center
Sometimes your LGBTQ+ partner is annoying.
They talk too much.
They don’t talk enough.
They spend too much time on their phone.
They want sex all the time.
They don’t want enough sex.
They leave a mess in the bathroom.
They work too much.
They don’t work enough.
They are always with their friends.
They don’t have enough friends.
They forget to bring home the milk even when you remind them twice.
When You Feel the Connection, Change Occurs
You ask them not to do the thing they do. it. They listen. But nothing really changes.
And then you both become polarized and the fighting and irritation gets worse.
What do you do when your LGBTQ+ partner is annoying you? Is it time to dump them?
Here’s what I suggest:
Take a break from your repeated requests, even the thoughtful and tactful ones.
Instead, focus on finding a way for you to feel more connected to them.
Not all the time. And not when you are pissed at them. But how about sometimes, when you can?
What makes you feel most connected to your partner? It’s important to know this.
- Is it cuddling? Deep talks? Eating together? Compliments? Eye contact? Inside jokes? Dancing? Processing vulnerable feelings? Watching TV on the couch?
- What made you feel connected in those early days?
- Can you get and give more regular doses of that? Or even one dose?
The experience of feeling connected is the true engine that fuels all relationships.
Once you get a little more of that in your tank, change occurs. And then that thing that really annoys you will become less annoying. You’ll feel better.
Most of the time, when you feel better your partner will notice that. It will impact them in a mysterious way. And that’s when they may start to soften and become open to easier cooperation.
And if they don’t change, at least you will probably feel better about the whole thing.
Connection is Harder for Gay Men
In my work with gay men I’ve noticed that gay cis male couples may break up over the small stuff more quickly. Boys get more training in competition than collaboration. The code of masculinity is less likely to emphasize connection. That’s why men are more lonely.
If you don’t know how to intentionally create connection, you can try this simple and yet oddly powerful exercise. It’s a tool we use in couples counseling when teaching couples how to connect.
Take turns going back and forth saying three things you are grateful for or appreciate about your partner.
Do this once and it will feel good. Make it a part of your regular communication culture and you will dramatically increase the likelihood of building a successful relationship. There’s scientific research by the famous Gottman Institute to prove this.
Does this exercise seem too mushy and embarrassing? Pro-tip: Love is mushy.
Is It Time To Break Up?
Annoying habits are not a good reason to break up with someone you love.
However, just focusing on connection is not going to be a successful strategy when the relationship encounters more serious issues.
For example, you have a serious relationship issue if your partner:
- Treats you with contempt
- Refuses to get treatment for a serious substance abuse problem
- Really wants kids and you really don’t
- Requires monogamy and you can’t accommodate that
- Is physically or emotionally abusive
These are very good reasons to get support for bold actions and to consider breaking up as an option.
Reframing When Your LGBTQ+ Partner is Annoying
Okay, back to when your LGBTQ+ partner is annoying. What else can we do about them?
First, we can acknowledge that people are annoying. There is nobody on the planet who is not annoying. I’m sure even the Dali Lama is annoying to some people.
Looking at the big picture is always a good way to soften our stress. It gives us perspective. In the history of humans, there has never been a person who is not annoying.
Second, we can stay curious about our partner’s annoying behaviors. Underneath the behavior there is probably something vulnerable that drives the behavior.
For example:
- They may talk too much because they are anxious
- They may forget to do things because their brain is different or they have ADHD
- They may want “too much” sex because they need lots of reassurance that you love them
- They may work too hard because they are afraid they aren’t good enough
Just knowing this vulnerable part of them can make you feel better. This framing of the issue is so much more relaxing than the frame most of us have about our partners, which is “They are doing that annoying thing because they don’t care enough about me or they don’t love me.” That frame is very painful, often unconscious, and in most cases just not correct.
I know you have felt this fear because it is the core “attachment” fear that comes with being a human in a relationship.
Reminding ourselves that everyone is annoying and discovering that our partner is not doing that thing because they don’t care about us are called “reframes.”
Reframes are not about sticking our head in the sand and just thinking happy thoughts. They actually are one of the core ways humans make lasting psychological change. We can practice looking at something differently until the new perspective becomes a part of who we are and how we think.
