Here’s Adam D. Blum, MFT, the founder of the Gay Therapy Center, in a 4-minute video about how to keep sex exciting in a long term LGBTQ relationship through the use of fantasy.
What keeps sex exciting in the context of a long term, monogamous relationship?
Let’s face it, humans crave new things, doing the same thing again and again and again in the same way as boring for most of us.
The answer to that question is fantasy. Fantasy takes what is very familiar, and makes it new and unfamiliar again.
Let’s talk a little bit about sexy fantasies – there’s actually a lot of research.
The seminal research on this topic was done way back in 1995, by a psychologist named Jack Morin. He interviewed hundreds and hundreds of individuals and asked them really personal questions about their sexual fantasies.
He took that data and it was able to come up with one simple equation that describes what is hot to humans. Are you ready for it?
Sexiness is Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement
When you think about it sounds like the plotline of any romantic comedy. No wonder they’re so popular!
Let me go into a little more detail about the four cornerstones of eroticism.
That’s a term created by Morin, to give you a better sense of what obstacles really look like.
- The first one is violating prohibitions. That’s why being naughty is sexy for a lot of people.
- Number two is searching for power. That’s why being dominant or being submissive is hot for lots of people. It’s playing with those obstacles.
- Number three is longing and anticipation. That’s why foreplay is exciting. That’s why affairs are exciting. For some people, they have a lot of longing and anticipation in them.
- Number four is overcoming ambivalence. That’s when you find someone you’re attracted to, but also repels you in some way, perhaps morally, you’re repelled by them, but you also find them hot. That’s a very common sexual fantasy.
Isn’t it rather distancing and unromantic to think about somebody else when you’re having sex in the context of a long term relationship?
Well, the answer is yes, it can be if you’re not telling your partner what you’re thinking about. But if you share that fantasy with your partner, and you act it out with a partner, well, that’s really intimate. That’s not always that easy to do. But it’s very connecting, and very intimate.
We all know talking about sex is really hard.
Nothing causes more shame in our culture than sex.This is a tough conversation that’s important to get better and better at. Good communication is required because sex, like everything else, in relationships gets better when we talk about it.
That’s not what you see on TV or in pornography. There, no one talks about sex, they just do it. And it looks amazing and exciting the very first time, but that’s not real life. In real life, we have to talk about it if we want it to get hotter and more exciting.
I’m hoping that when you hear about Morin’s research, it’ll help you let go some of the shame that you have around your own sexuality, because when it comes to sex, pretty much all of us are pretty much the same inside. I think that can help us reduce some shame and realize that our sexual fantasies are pretty much like all other humans.