His therapist focused on helping Ben examine what was happening in his life during these periods of problematic sexual behaviors. The timeline revealed that they occurred during stressful times, especially during job stress with a critical, shaming supervisor.
Ben ultimately learned that for him, sex was a coping method that he used when he experienced a sense of worthlessness. He made a link between his sexual behavior and the trauma of his pre-teen years as a young gay boy who felt threatened and marginalized in his closest personal relationships.
When Ben hooked up with men, he felt “chosen” and it helped him cope with his shame as a gay man. Therapy gave him a way to conceptualize and map his behavior.
Using Somatic Awareness and Internal Family Systems (IFS), his therapist helped Ben build a new relationship without stress and shame. Through Somatic Awareness, Ben learned to notice where feelings of anxiety, anger, or shame showed up in his body and to care for them before they overwhelmed him. Through IFS, he learned to identify the “parts” of himself that tried to rescue him from painful emotions—such as the part that sought sexual encounters to feel valued. By understanding these parts with compassion rather than judgment, Ben could meet his needs in healthier ways.
As a result, Ben developed tools to recognize his triggers, care for his emotions directly, and break the cycle that had controlled his relationships for years. And he learned to hold compassion and accountability for his partner’s neutral wounds, without being overwhelmed by his own shame and despair.
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