By Adam D. Blum, Founder and Director, Gay Therapy Center
If you haven’t tried polyamorous relationships yourself, it’s likely someone you know has. This type of non-monogamy is growing in popularity, though polyamory is not a new concept — and it’s commonly misunderstood and stereotyped.
Heather Butterfield, AMFT, an associate therapist at Gay Therapy Center, has both personal and professional experience in the world of polyamory. She says there’s a reason we’re hearing about it more often these days: People have only just started feeling safe enough to be open about it, and the Internet has fostered more representation, community, and connection.
She’s seen how polyamorous relationships, especially ones willing to participate in therapy, can enrich lives. “Good communication is foundational for any relationship, but the more partners are involved the more important it becomes.” Butterfield says.
The Gay Therapy Center team interviewed Heather to learn the polyamory basics, debunk some myths, learn why therapy is such a valuable tool, and share tips for those wanting to dip their toes into the poly pool.
Q: Can you explain how polyamory and open relationships are similar and different?
A: Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy; it’s often called CNM or ENM for short. Polyamory and open relationships are both subsets of the wider CNM/ENM umbrella.
People who are poly are open to having multiple romantic, emotional, or sexual relationships with different people at the same time. Open relationships can be similar and a form of polyamory, but polyamory is not always an open relationship.
Polyamory can exist with any combination of people, genders, and sexualities, though it is fairly common in the queer community.
Q: Does everyone in a poly relationship have a primary partner, or do different poly relationships have various dynamics?
A: There can be all kinds of different dynamics. Some people will have a primary partner. Others might not have a primary partner and prefer to have no hierarchy, where all partners are equally important. Some people in the latter category call themselves relationship anarchists.
This also raises questions about what equality looks like and means in the relationship, and what it means to be primary or secondary. But people do all kinds of different things! I think what’s so interesting to me about poly relationships is that it can open your perspective to how many things in our society and culture we take for granted that are just made up rules or norms.
For example, we have this idea that this is how relationships should look. Two people meet and fall in love and live happily ever after. Well, what if we can upend that and decide that relationships can look any way we can imagine? That all it takes is getting in touch with ourselves and what we want and desire, and be honest about that? It can be really difficult and complicated, but it can also change how you view the world and life as a whole. It opens everything up.
Q: How does being poly contribute to one’s sense of identity?
A: It really varies by person. Some people feel like they are poly as an orientation, like their relationship orientation. For some, it’s more of a lifestyle choice or a social movement that they’re part of, or it’s a piece of their sexuality.
Some people feel drawn to polyamory, the way that they might be drawn to a particular sexual identity. It just does not feel right for them to be monogamous. Anecdotally, I’ve found that some people have always felt like they were poly — that having relationships with one person just never felt right.
Q: What do you say to people who think being polyamorous is new or trendy?
A: There are records going back for a very long time that people have been having poly or consensually non-monogamous relationships.
We are seeing with the data that it’s becoming more common with millennials and Gen Z than it was with Generation X and Baby Boomers, but you have to wonder how many people are just now being open about this. We’re living in a more open time, so I wonder if these things have been going on behind the scenes forever and people just weren’t safe to be open about it until more recently.
Q: Why do you think people might be more open about polyamory now?
A: It’s tied to so many things. These are just my personal theories, but related to the LGBTQ community, there’s already more openness there. Then there are more protections for women and queer folks now than there have been in the past, so maybe it’s safer than it was.
I do also think the Internet has made it easier for people to learn and connect. There are poly Reddit groups and podcasts now, and you can see that there’s a community there. I tend to think that community can make it feel safer to be out and open.
Q: Is it common for people in the poly community to experience judgment from their families or friends?
A: Yes, that’s so common; families who are more traditional often don’t understand. There’s not a lot of representation of poly relationships in the media or widespread discourse about it, and you’ll see things like jokes in older movies about swingers, so traditional families may have never even heard of being poly.
I think it can be really difficult for people who are in deep, loving poly relationships to have their partners treated like they’re a joke or a side thing or not serious. Parents can misunderstand it as cheating; that stigma can be really difficult for people who are opening up their relationship.
Q: How can therapy help somebody who’s dealing with family judgment?
A: Therapy is such a great place for the various partners involved to come together and talk through how that’s impacting everyone in the relationship. It’s hard, of course, for the partner whose parents are judgmental of the people they’re with or love. And it can be painful for the partner who’s being excluded from the family or judged by them.
Polyamorous therapy can be a place for everyone to come together and talk about how these experiences are impacting them. The therapist can talk through ways to mitigate the difficulties and figure out how to talk to their families about it, and what might be appropriate actions moving forward to make sure that everybody’s feeling safe and secure.
Feelings around this can be really complicated, and if you’re not talking about them, things can fester and get worse. It can be easy to assume how people are feeling, so making space to talk about what’s actually going on rather than kind of covering it up and moving past — even if you think that you’ve got it figured out — is very important.
Q: Is it common for one partner to want to be poly or open the relationship and the other one not as enthusiastic or unsure about it? How can therapy play a role in resolving it?
A: Yes, that’s fairly common, and I’ve seen people come to therapy to figure out what to do. Sometimes one person’s really excited by it. Maybe it feels like part of who they are, and they want to pursue that, but their partner is just not on board. It can be really helpful for both partners to come to therapy together to work through that.
For the partner who doesn’t want to open up, they might need a deeper understanding of why it’s so important to their partner. It could be that they’re feeling they’re not enough or worried that their partner is tired of the relationship. They might feel some panic.
For the partner who does want to open up, it can feel like, “Come on, it’s no big deal, I love you, I’m committed to you, let’s do this. It’s gonna be fun and good for us to do together.”
When you’re two people with different minds and experiences, therapy provides a space to come together to communicate with your partner, understand where each other are coming from, and see if there is a bridge forward.
Is it enough for the partner who’s not interested to be heard out? Do they need reassurance? Do they need time to explore their own feelings about it with their partner, and then they might be comfortable? Or is that going to be a deal-breaker for them, and what does that mean for the relationship?
In addition to couples therapy, it can also be really helpful for both partners to come to individual therapy. Sometimes there are wounds there that are helpful to explore solo with a therapist. Especially if you’re newly moving forward with polyamory, it can get complicated, so having your own space can be really valuable too.
Q: Why are agreements important in polyamorous relationships, and what are some healthy ways to approach them?
A: Agreements can help poly partners get on the same page. There are some standard ones, like having safe sex with other partners and getting tested. But I think of agreements more as starting points of deeper conversations for understanding what you and your partner are each looking for, and what’s important to you.
I think many times, people make agreements out of fear.
There can be feelings along these lines: “If we can control for enough things, then our relationship will never have to change. We’ll get to stay feeling safe in our relationship as it is without having to deal with all that mess. It’ll just be like a fun sexy time.”
Unfortunately, that is just not how hearts and minds and relationships work! And therapy can be a great place to work through a list of healthy agreements together. For example, maybe your partner wants an agreement of “no falling in love with other people.” A therapist can see that and say, is that realistic? Why is that agreement so important to begin with?”
Maybe you realize it’s important to your partner because they’re scared of feeling jealous. Okay, so maybe “don’t fall in love” is not a realistic agreement. Instead, maybe it’s “Whenever we have feelings of jealousy, we agree that’s okay, healthy, and normal, and that it’s important for us to talk about that with each other. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with our relationship or that person; it’s okay for us to talk about it.”
In therapy, or by yourselves, you can start with these types of questions and conversations, then shift your agreements over time if needed.
Q: Do you have any advice for someone who’s new to polyamory?
A: Something that can take up a lot of brain space for people who are poly is whether or not to share that they are poly, even in small passing moments with strangers.
Something that I’ve found that can be really helpful for people is to remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation of anything.
If you’re going out with both of your partners, and you’re talking to someone at a party, you don’t have to get into a whole explanation. You can just say, “Yeah, I’m going out with my partners,” and let them wonder if they heard the S at the end. If they want to know more, they can ask, but it’s not on you to explain your life to everyone.
Q: What do you think is the best part of experiencing polyamory?
A: One big one I hear, especially from people in polycules — bigger and interconnected poly relationships — is that they get so much support.
They might have a primary partner and a secondary partner, and the partners might have partners. So in times of need, you can have this whole community rising up to hold you and support you. It’s not necessarily one person who has to meet all of your needs. It can be really beautiful, and in my experience, the poly community can be a warm, welcoming place. It can be hard to find community outside of large cities, but there are also many online spaces that are really lovely and supportive.
When it comes to poly, the people are the best part.
