By Adam D. Blum, Founder and Director, Gay Therapy Center
Depending on when you were born, your experience of coming out might look very different. Today’s younger generations grew up with social media, YouTube, and diverse characters in media, providing a wealth of access to information, community, and representation.
Women from older generations, however, didn’t have these resources or see much if any lesbian visibility. They may have grown up in families that never introduced the idea of or talked about being LGBTQ+, says Julie Cohen, a Gay Therapy Center therapist in Los Angeles.
“They might not have been able to put words to their feelings; it’s not like today, where it’s discussed in many aspects of life and you can just grow up as part of the community,” she adds.
They may have had to stuff down feelings of attraction to women or live in denial so they could have a “normal” life.
As culture changed, though, more women began coming out later in life, including celebrities. While she was open in her personal life, Jodie Foster didn’t come out publicly until 50. Comedian Wanda Sykes waited until 44 to reveal her lesbian identity. Actress Sophia Bush surprised herself, and the world, when she came out as queer at 41.
Coming out later has its upsides, but it can also cause additional struggles that are different from younger generations. To learn more, we spoke to two Gay Therapy Center therapists who have supported many clients through this process.
Why lesbian women sometimes come out later in life
Lori Filocamo, a Gay Therapy Center therapist in New York, says while there’s now more openness about identity and gender, “older generations of women felt pressure to fit within societal norms and live up to what was expected of them.”
For some women, this meant acting on their feelings but keeping it a secret from the outside world. Other women stuffed down their feelings, married a man, and had kids, hoping they could ignore their truth.
Since women have a tendency to put their needs second, Cohen says, they might avoid coming out for a long time, knowing the decision will disrupt their life and those of their loved ones. “Women are often instinctually driven more by community, connection, and caretaking than men,” she says, “so sometimes they will wait until after their kids are grown to come out, because they feel like they’ve done their work.”
Cohen adds that coming out may also be delayed due to fears of losing security, whether it’s emotional security as a result of breaking apart the family unit, or financial security if the spouse was the breadwinner.
The challenges of coming out later
Whether someone knew they were gay and tried to ignore it, or they didn’t realize until they met the right person, the process of accepting and sharing one’s true identity is messy and hard.
“Although coming out is liberating, it’s really emotionally complex,” Filocamo says. “As we grow older, the later we come out, it becomes even more complex because of the footprint of our lives and the impact, especially if there are family members or others involved.” Just like with any major change, there can be initial hardships, she says, like fears of abandonment or worries about how to navigate relationships and friendships.
“It’s like a mask was worn for many years and there’s a part of themselves they don’t know,” Filocamo says. “There can be confusion, hurt, loneliness, and grief. They may feel that they missed out on their youth, and a natural level of anger from not telling or embracing the truth for years.”
Cohen adds that some women going through this process grapple with shame, guilt, and internalized homophobia. If the person didn’t realize they were lesbian and were caught off guard with an unexpected attraction to a woman, it can also cause a lot of shock, both for that person and their family.
Additionally, Cohen finds that some women who come out later might have a fantasy that a large community, or even a new partner, will be ready and waiting for them with open arms. In truth, it takes work to find and get plugged into a new community, and many events are geared toward younger women, Cohen says.
Plus, she adds, there can also be bias in the dating world toward women who are newly out. These challenges can all be overcome, but they can cause some insecurity and feelings of rejection among women who expected it to be easier.
The silver linings
While coming out, especially later in life, isn’t easy, it can be incredibly rewarding. “There’s a liberation — a sense of feeling more ease with themselves, inner freedom, and a stronger connection to community,” Filocamo says.
Going through this journey as an older woman can also lend itself to certain benefits. “I think the one benefit of getting older is you have more maturity, self-acceptance, and overall comfort with yourself,” Cohen says. “Ideally, if we age well, we can identify who are good people in our life, know our own bodies and what feels good for us, and be able to speak up about what we want.”
Cohen says when she works with younger clients, those are some of the issues they’re working through, such as the right to be yourself, how to speak up, and learning not to settle. “I think it’s extraordinarily helpful to already have some of those skills right as you’re going into a brand new world,” she says. “There can also be a sense of relief, of finally being able to exhale. That life makes more sense after spending so many years where it doesn’t.”
The role of therapy
Working with an LGBT friendly therapist is one of the best ways to navigate coming out later in life, both Filocamo and Cohen say.
Women who come out later in life may initially experience intense emotions, denial, and confusion about what they’re feeling. Filocamo works with clients to regulate their nervous systems, explore their feelings, and process what it all means.
“It’s a lot of grief work and dealing with loss and regret, but also reframing the stories we tell ourselves, feeling affirmed, and learning to have compassion for ourselves,” she explains. She says therapy is also a place to explore who you’re meant to be and work on accepting that you might no longer fit within expected societal norms, while helping you build resilience.
“I can’t express enough the benefits of therapy, because there’s so much opportunity to feel heard, seen, accepted, and really process all the varying emotions coming up,” Filocamo adds. “To truly expand out from feeling liberated but now living vibrantly in that space.” While 1:1 therapy is ideal, peer support groups can also help reduce isolation and foster community among people coming out later in life, she adds.
Cohen says therapy can also help newly-out women cope with the challenges of feeling isolated and perhaps disappointed if coming out or finding community hasn’t gone exactly as planned. A good therapist can help you adjust your expectations and look at what’s realistic. It can also help those who need to unpack internalized homophobia and overcome insecurities.
Therapy also doesn’t have to be solo. Cohen says some women want to take care of their family in a new way: by including them in the therapeutic process. She sometimes does lesbian couples therapy or works with families, such as the husbands being left, or adult children trying to process grief and shock.
“The more you can get your family involved in the therapy process, where you have a mediator there, I think you encourage and engender an environment with a better outcome in the end,” Cohen concludes.
As you become more involved with the community and solidified in your identity, and perhaps dating, therapy can also be a tool to help you navigate lesbian relationships and intimacy.
