Gay Relationship Advice: Age Gaps in Gay Relationships
Many of my LGBTQ counseling clients ask me why they are only attracted to gay men younger than themselves. If you are happy dating gay men in their twenties, then this question is not important. It’s like asking “Why do I prefer blondes over brunettes?” My advice is to let yourself enjoy dating whomever interests you (as long as they are over the age of 18).
Age gap relationships are more common than you may realize. In western countries:
- 1 out of every twelve male/female couples has an age gap of 10 years or more
- that number increase to 25% in male/male couples
- and 15% of female/female relationships
That same study indicated that age gap partners are more satisfied and more committed to each other than partners of similar age–though there is some research that points to a correlation with higher rates of divorce. Research also shows that couples with an age gap of less than ten years are happier than those with an age gap greater than ten years. You can find more details on these stats on this episode of the podcast I Love You Too, by Psychotherapist, Dating Coach, Couples Counselor Jessica Engle, here.
If you find 25-year-old-guys cute you probably will always find them cute. Your job is to accept your attractions rather than judge them. If they hurt no one then they are good.
As a gay man you have already spent years judging your LGBTQ sexuality. That didn’t make you any happier. You’ve probably already learned a lot about unpacking society’s arbitrary rules about attraction. Use those lessons to unlearn any self-reproach you have about whom you find beautiful.
Your job is to accept your attractions rather than judge them. If they hurt no one then they are good.
But What If I Don’t Like Dating with Age Gaps?
Some men find younger guys attractive but have been disappointed in finding a younger man who is also interested in a committed LGBTQ relationship. Finding a younger guy ready to build an enduring partnership is possible, but perhaps harder to find.
Gay men who want to increase their odds of finding a long term lover sometimes wish they could find guys in their thirties or older sexually attractive. They ask me: Is this possible?
If your attraction to younger guys is causing you relationship pain you may be able to expand your desires. That doesn’t mean that the 20-somethings won’t always be sexy, but perhaps some of the 30-somethings can also be enticing. Some of us can bend our attractions, but few of us can change them dramatically.
If you want to expand the age range of the people you date, and are prepared to consider this with self-compassion, then the following stories about gay men I’ve worked with might be helpful:
“Alan” (all names have been changed)
Alan, a large man in his mid-forties, always hated his body and has struggled with his weight for his entire life. He had no trouble finding guys in their early twenties for hook-ups who were attracted to his big size and warm personality. But he found it difficult to find a young guy interested in a long term relationship. Alan longed for a partner with the emotional maturity and economic stability that he himself had developed at mid-life.
In LGBTQ therapy he discovered that his exclusive focus on younger guys was related to the shame he felt about this body. He bought into a cultural teaching that young cute guys are “the best.” He realized he experienced temporary relief from his inner critic when he was able to “bed the best.”
During our work together Alan began to heal his shame and learned to appreciate his own body. As this learning took hold he still found the young guys fun to look at, but less compelling. He is now actively dating guys in their thirties and enjoying them.
Will is attracted to young, thin men who evoke an air of innocence. However, at age 60, he has no interest in being a “sugar daddy.” He wants a long term lover to share his passion for the outdoors, country music, and home remodeling.
In therapy he uncovered that inside he felt very young. He saw himself as “one down” compared to other adult men, and feared being overwhelmed by the power and needs of a more confident boyfriend. As therapy progressed he found his innate power and learned to express himself more freely in the world.
As his empowered self-confidence grew he noticed that the 30-somethings and even a few 40-somethings began to look increasingly hot.
Today he is in the second year of a relationship with a 38-year-old man who can meet him emotionally. While he is naturally more of a caretaker, he is now also letting himself be taken care of for the very first time.
Jeremy is a life-long guy watcher. He is a painter who loves beauty and will even take the time to drive around the block to enjoy the visual of an attractive young guy walking down the street.
He has always been attracted to younger guys physically, but emotionally he feels more connected and compatible with guys his own age of 50. His solution? He and his new 40-year-old boyfriend enjoy an active fantasy life. His boyfriend enjoys playing the role of the innocent young college student and Jeremy enjoys being the take-charge dominator.
Each of us is different. These stories may or may not resonate with you. Your attractions may expand or they may remain the same. What is most important is that you continue to deconstruct the “made up” conventions about age disparity in relationships.
When you learn to accept your sexuality you will find your relationships, sex life, and happiness improve. And when you build your inner resources, usually you get more of what you want in life.
Schedule a free 15-minute call to find a LGBTQ+ therapists to support your relationship goals.