6 Things You Can Learn From Kinky LGBTQ Couples

By Adam D. Blum, MFT, Gay Therapy Center Founder and Director

 

Not everyone is kinky. But kinky people know a lot about sex, and we can all learn from some of their best practices.

Kinky People Plan Sex

I often hear couples say that they want sex to be spontaneous, not planned. Kinky people know that great sex may take some pre-planning. As they prepare and schedule they are building the excitement that comes from anticipation.

After all, as most kids learn, the anticipation of Christmas morning is just as fun as Christmas morning itself.

Most people lead very busy lives. Is it realistic to assume that fun will happen without creating time for it?

Kinky People Talk About Sex

On TV and in movies, good sex just happens, apparently effortlessly. In real life, sex gets better when we talk about it.

Kinky couples are experts at talking about what they like and dislike in sex. They have overcome the cultural prohibition about talking about their desire with their partner.

Is it scary at first? Yes. Most good things are scary at first.

Kinky People Understand the Power of Fantasy

Kinky people know that the biggest sexual organ is the brain. Imagination is one of the most exciting human gifts.

Situations that you might abhor in real life, like unfair power dynamics, can be objects of excitement in fantasy. And they commonly are. 

Many fantasies are politically incorrect. As long as they stay in the realm of play and fantasy among adults who enjoy them, they hurt no one. 

Fantasy also allows us to express a deep seated and important part of ourselves that we normally don’t express in our daily lives.

Reality isn’t always fun. But fantasy usually is.

Kinky People Have Deconstructed Shame

At some point in their lives, most kinky people experienced shame about their attractions. 

Many have bravely faced their inner desire, learned to create their own standard of right and wrong, and let go of the need to be like everyone else. 

LGBT people who come out already know a lot about letting go of shame. Coming out about your sexual desire is a similar, rewarding process.

Kinky People Keep Sex Alive in Long Term Relationships

Kinky people tend to put a lot of energy into sex. And when we put energy into something, it gains life. 

The commitment to non-judgmental exploration, curiosity about our own pleasure, and a belief in variety keeps sex interesting over the long term. 

Sex with the same person over a lifetime can get boring unless we turn them into the “other” through play and fantasy. In your sexual space, they can’t always remain your beloved partner and remain interesting. 

They need to become something else for a few sexy moments.

Kinky People Understand Community

Kinky people often gather together in tight-knit communities. Their shared interest creates bonds of friendship. 

In our isolating modern world, a deep feeling of community is becoming rare. This precious experience is getting lost. Kinky people often experience, and value, being a member of a group. 

This adds satisfaction to their lives that is beyond sexual pleasure. They create a tribe, and that is a great way to go through life. Have you found your tribe? If not, keep looking.

You don’t have to be kinky to learn something from kinky people. What lessons can they teach you?

For more information about how we help LGBT individuals and couples please visit our website at www.thegaytherapycenter.com. We offer services in our San Francisco, Los Angeles, or New York offices or by Skype or phone worldwide.  

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The information on this blog is provided for general informational purposes only and no psychotherapist-client relationship is formed nor should any such relationship be implied. The suggestions offered in this blog are just one perspective of many approaches to dealing with problems and should not be your only source when making life decisions. This website is not intended to replace professional mental health treatment.